Duck Soup Page #3

Ambassador Trentino enters the scene.

Mrs. Teasdale

Oh... Your Excellency... I would like to present to you....

AMBASSADOR VERDI TRENTINO OF AMNESIA.......

Having him with us today is indeed a great honor.

Trentino

(To Mrs. Teasdale, smiling appreciatively)

Thanks.... but I can't stay very long.

Groucho

That's even a greater honor.

Trentino

I bring you the greetings of my President and the good will

of my people.

Groucho

I'll keep the greetings -- but you can send back the good

will... what we need right now is twenty million dollars.

Trentino

Twenty million dollars is a considerable sum.... I'll have

to discuss that with my Minister of Finance.

Groucho

Well, in the meantime, could you let me have $50 personally?

Trentino

(Surprised)

$50 ?

Groucho

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you Mrs. Teasdale as

security.

(Throwing a glance at Mrs. Teasdale)

or my jackknife. If you want my advice, you'll take the

jackknife...... I've a better proposition.... Make it $25

and I'll give you a first mortgage on my son and I hope you

foreclose.

Trentino

(With a puzzled look at Groucho)

Your Excellency, haven't we met before?

Groucho

(Looking at Trentino)

Why yes. I met you at the dog races -- say, you could have

won that race if you tried a little harder.

Vera Trentino enters scene.

Ambassador

Oh. May I present my niece.

Groucho

Go ahead.

Trentino

You don't understand. This is my niece Vera.

Groucho

(Throwing her a glance)

And Vera niece, too.

Vera

Your Excellency, please don't think me silly, but I'd love

to have a picture of you. I want to hang it in my bedroom.

Groucho

You couldn't hang me in your bedroom -- I'll make a note of

it. Where's my secretary?

(Looking around)

Bob (ZEPPO) enters scene.

Bob

Here I am, Father.

Groucho

(To Bob)

Take a letter.

Bob

(Taking out a stenographer's pad and pencil)

Who to?

Groucho

The President of the United States.

(Bob writes as Groucho dictates)

Groucho

My dear President.... read it back....

Bob

(Reading from pad)

"My dear President"...

Groucho

That doesn't sound right.... take out "President"... now

read it.

Bob

(Reading)

"My dear"...

Groucho

That's not right yet.... put back "President" and take out

"dear"... How does it read now?

Bob

(Reading)

"My President"....

Groucho

There's still something wrong with it.... take out "President"

.... now what've you got?

Bob

(Reading)

"My"....

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