Drop Dead Gorgeous Page #2

ELDERLY MAN (MAYOR)

Oh, yah-sure, Freda, yah. She was the

oldest livin' Lutheran. Now she's

dead as a doornail. It's them damn

Shriners who ain't taken that Goddamn

sign down yet - those lazy sons-a-

b*tches...

I tells kem, I tells kem every goddamn

year, "Take the Goddamn Freda sign

down, you lazy sons-a-b*tches!"

SUPER:
MAYOR OF MOUNT ROSE

INT. GLADYS' VAN - DAY

Through the window a family waves to Gladys.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

Two BOYS play basketball in the driveway of their home.

EXT. FRONT LAWN - DAY

SMALL CHILDREN in bathing suits play on a lawn. A boy

shoots his water pistol.

INT. LEEMAN STATION WAGON - AFTERNOON

Civil Servettes and crew are piled in. Gladys drives.

GLADYS:

...Today's "To Do" list includes a

trip to the Mall of America. We need

outfits for the "Physical Fitness"

number --

IRIS:

Nothin' too showy!

GLADYS:

Y'betcha, Iris. We still need a third

judge and we need to think of a theme.

Servettes react with pleasure.

IRIS:

Gladys -- Gladys! Look out!

A CAR SWERVES.

GLADYS:

Oh, my!

(waving out window)

Hello, Father Donigan! Sidewalks,

sidewalks?

Iris mimes drinking, "glug, glug."

GLADYS (cont'd)

Iris, stop!

(to camera)

It's not his fault. The communal wine

just proves too temptin' for some of

them.

IRIS:

That's why we Lutherans use grape

Koolaid for the blood of Christ.

EXT. MALL OF AMERICA

In the vast, already full parking lot, we see Gladys

Leeman's station wagon searching for a parking spot.

IRIS:

Oh, there's a parking space over

there. Oh, no, that's just a compact.

Sorry.

GLADYS:

You'd think they'd build the parking

lot of America to go with the Mall of

America!

Gladys pulls into a HANDICAPPED SPOT. Servettes and

CAMERA stand outside the car. Iris points at the sign.

IRIS:

It's a two-hundred dollar fine!

GLADYS:

I said I'd move if a cripple came.

Let's just run in the store and pick

out some outfits.

IRIS:

All right, let's go.

EXT. MALL OF AMERICA PARKING LOT

Iris and another Servette start to get out of the car.

GLADYS:

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait! I just thought of the theme.

Iris and the Servette stop.

IRIS:

Oh! What is it?

GLADYS (cont'd)

"Proud...to be...an...American."

Servettes react with pleasure.

JUMP CUT TO:

INT. MOA PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

So what was the theme of the pageant

last year?

GLADYS:

Last year? It was, "Buy American."

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

And the year before that?

GLADYS:

"U.S.A. is A-okay."

DOCUMENTARIAN (O.S.)

Can you remember the theme of your

favorite pageant?

GLADYS:

"Can I? I'm Amer-I-Can!" People ask

me where I get this. I don't know,

it's...maybe a gift from God or

somethin'.

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