Bridget Jones's Diary Page #3

INT. BRIDGET'S PARENTS' HOUSE. STAIRS. DAY.

MUSIC. BIM BOM by Joao Gilberto - cheesy Bosa Nova music.

As Mother drags Bridget upstairs, Una Alconbury, Mother's best friend, pops her head around a door.

UNA ALCONBURY:
(To mother) Doilies, Pam? Hello, Bridget.

MOTHER:
Third drawer from the top, Una. Under the mini-gherkins. (Triumphant, to Bridget) By the way, the Darcys are here! They've brought Mark with them. He's just back from the U.N., for Heavens Sake.

From Bridget's blank look...

MOTHER (CONT'D):
You remember Mark. You used to play in his paddling pool? He's a barrister. Very well off.

BRIDGET:
No. I don't remember.

MOTHER:
Beetroot cubes and stuffed olives are in the garages fridge.

UNA ALCONBURY:
Righto Pam.

BRIDGET:
And I want you to stop right there - I maybe single, but I will not, repeat not be reduced to being match-made with the dreadful children of your awful friends.

Mother just looks at her blankly - and continues.

MOTHER:
He's just back from America. Divorced last Christmas. Wife was Japanese. Very cruel race. Now, what are you going to put on?

BRIDGET:
(Indicates what she's wearing - nice modern outfit) This.

MOTHER:
Don't be silly, Bridget - you'll never get a boyfriend if you look like you've wandered out of Auschwitz. Go upstairs. I've laid out something lovely on your bed.

INT. BRIDGET'S PARENTS' HOUSE. SITTING ROOM. DAY.

The guests are mainly Bridget's parents' friends, including Penny Husbands-Bosworth. But there is a smattering of guests of Bridget's age, with babies and toddlers.

Bridget enters self-consciously in a horrible, lurid outfit, similar to her mother's. The whole scene as slightly surreal nature: through Bridget's eyes we watch this weird world in which she once lived. Three strange, static relatives - Hamish, Bernard and Shirley, frozen like characters out of 'Blue Velvet'.

BRIDGET:
Hello Hamish... Shirley... Bernard.

Then Geoffrey Alconbury, 60, looms at her side, a Bruce Forsythe shuffle in his step...

GEOFFREY ALCONBURY: Here she is. My li-tle Bridget!

Geoffrey gives her an enthusiastic clumsy kiss, hitching up the waistband of his trousers.

BRIDGET:
Hello, Uncle Geoffrey.

GEOFFREY ALCONBURY: Got a drink? No? Come on then, I could do with a fill-up.

BRIDGET O.S.:
Uncle Geoffrey... well not really my uncle. Someone who insists I call him Uncle while he stares at my breasts and ask why I'm not married yet.

He leads her to the drinks table through the chattering guests. Una Alconbury has sidled up next to them.

GEOFFREY ALCONBURY: So... not married yet, eh, Bridget? How's your love life?

DISSOLVE TO WHAT BRIDGET WANTS TO SAY:

BRIDGET:
Mind your own business, you horrid, horrid, nosey, shiny old man with an almost permanent erection. I don't ask you how your marriage is.

GEOFFREY ALCONBURY: How's your love life?

DISSOLVE TO WHAT BRIDGET REALLY SAYS:

BRIDGET:
Super, thanks Uncle G.

GEOFFREY ALCONBURY: Still no fellow, then, eh? I don't know.

UNA ALCONBURY:
You career girls. Can't put it off for ever you know. Tick tock! Tick tock!

BRIDGET:
Hello, Dad.

Bridget moves on to join her father, a shy man, who's awkwardly filling drinks, and has been cornered by a 60 year old woman.

BRIDGET'S DAD:
(Face lights up) Hello, Darling. (Bridget's dad introduces the woman.) Ah, this is... do you know, I'm terribly sorry, I've know you for forty years and I've completely forgotten your name.

PENNY:
It's Penny.

BRIDGET'S DAD:
That's right, of course it is. Darling Bridget - this is... sorry, it's gone again.

Penny gives him a terrible look and walks off. Bridget smiles.

BRIDGET'S DAD:
Your mother's trying to fix you up with some divorcee. (Nods in his direction)

WHAT BRIDGET SEES: a solitary figure by the window, his back to the room, his head turned in handsome profile, his whole posture indicating haughty disengagement. This is MARK DARCY. Bridget's reaction shows some interest - he's a rather romantic looking figure.

BRIDGET'S DAD (CONT'D): Human rights barrister. Pretty nasty beast apparently. Nearly bit Uncle Geoffrey's head off when he asked for some advice on his mortgage.

Mother swoops in, thrusting a tray at Bridget, and sweeping her off.

MOTHER:
Come on. Why don't you see if Mark fancies a gherkin?

Mark Darcy talks in low, urgent tones to his rather grand looking, military-type well-born parents.

MOTHER (CONT'D):
Mark! Here she is!

Mark turns slowly, revealing a brightly coloured set of reindeer on the front of his sweater.

MOTHER (CONT'D):
You remember Bridget? She used to run round your lawn with no clothes on. Remember?

The Darcy Parents politely back off, leaving their son, Mark, stranded. Mark takes his time looking at Bridget.

MARK:
No. Not as such.

He says that in a very formal, rather forbidding sort of way, very Mr Darcyish, in fact.

BRIDGET:
Can I tempt you with a gherkin?

MARK:
No, thanks.

MOTHER:
Bridget works in publishing, don't you Bridget?

BRIDGET:
I do... indeed.

An awkward silence. Una, sizing up the situation from afar, moves in.

UNA ALCONBURY:
(To Bridget's mother) Come and look at your gravy, Pam! I think it's going to need sieving.

MOTHER:
Of course it doesn't need sieving. Just stir it, Una!

Una shoots Mother a meaningful look, 'Leave them alone'. Mother looks at Bridget and Mark, then twigs.

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