Being John Malkovich Page #4
Craig stands, opens Lester's door, and enters.
CUT TO:
INT. LESTER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Craig enters. Lester, a giant of an old man, sits hunched
behind his tiny desk.
LESTER:
Come in, Mr. Juarez. I'd stand, but,
well, you know.
CRAIG:
(extending his hand)
Actually, my name is Craig Schwartz,
Dr. Lester.
Lester flips an intercom switch.
LESTER:
Security.
CRAIG:
No, it's okay, sir. Just a mixup with
your secretary.
LESTER:
She's not my secretary. She's what
they call an executive liaison, and
I'm not banging her, if that's what
you’re implying.
CRAIG:
Not at all, Dr. Lester. I simply
misspoke.
LESTER:
Tell me, Dr. Schwartz, what do you
feel you can bring to LesterCorp?
CRAIG:
Well, sir, I'm an excellent filer.
LESTER:
(crafty)
You think so, eh? Which comes first,
L or... Glooph?
CRAIG:
Glooph is not a letter, sir.
LESTER:
Damn, you are good. I tried to trick
you. Okay, put these in order.
Lester hands Craig a bunch of index cards. Craig orders
them with amazing speed and dexterity. Lester watches,
eyes wide.
LESTER (CONT'D)
(flips intercom switch)
Floris, get Guinness on the phone.
FLORIS (O.S.)
Gehginnis ondah foam?
LESTER:
Forget it.
FLORIS (CONT'D)
Fork ah did?
LESTER:
(flips off switch)
Fine woman, Floris. I don't know how
she puts up with this damn speech
impediment of mine.
CRAIG:
You don't have a speech impediment,
Dr. Lester.
LESTER:
Flattery will get you everywhere,
my boy. But I'm afraid I have to
trust Floris on this one. You see,
she has her doctorate in speech
impedimentology from Case Western.
Perhaps you've read her memoirs,
"I can't understand a word any of
you are saying."
CRAIG:
No.
LESTER:
Pity, it tells it like it is.
That's why the eastern, read Jewish,
publishing establishment won't touch
it. That's a quote from the book
jacket. George Will, I think.
(beat)
I apologize if you can't understan
a word I'm saying, Dr. Schwartz.
CRAIG:
No. I understand perfectly.
LESTER:
(choking up)
Thank you for being kind enough to
lie. You see, I've been very lonely
indecipherable speech. You're hired.
Any questions?
CRAIG:
Just one. Why is this floor so short?
LESTER:
Low overhead, m'boy. We pass the
savings on to you.
(laughs heartily)
But seriously, that's all covered in
orientation.
CUT TO:
INT. ORIENTATION ROOM - DAY
It's a small screening room with red velvet seats. There
are a few people scattered about the squat theater. Craig
is among them. He looks around the room and his eyes rest
momentarily on Maxine. She is in her late 20's with close
cropped black hair. Her eyes are opaque, her face
expressionless, her countenance trance-like. She glances
over at Craig, then turns back to the screen. The lights
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"Being John Malkovich" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 28 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/being_john_malkovich_153>.
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