Satyricon

---

1

Listen, the earth could not bury me.

The sea could not smother me, rage

and storm though she might, the whore.

l am Encolpio. l am penniless.

l am banished my home.

l am fugitive from justice,

my hands stained with blood.

l am alone, abandoned, utterly wretched.

And who is it condemned me

to this solitude?

A sh*t of a man, marked by every vice.

A turd of a person, should be banished

by his own admission - Ascilto!

He seeks to liberate himself

through his wantonness -

you may use him any way you like.

He hires himself out

as a woman does, that bastard!

And as for that tart Gitone!

That one. He sits down to piss

like a woman does, him!

That one wears a skirt,

like he was not born a man.

A boy who played the whore in prison.

Down with his coat

and face to the wall for every bull.

What shame. What shame!

But worse still, he is a faithless

wretch after all l've done for him.

He's capable of such infamy.

The pair of them laugh at me.

l'm not at all well in my soul.

l loved you, Gitone. l love you still

and will not share you with Ascilto.

You are my self, my soul.

Listen, you are the sun. Listen,

you are the sea sweeps drunken over me.

You are divinest of divine and wrenched

from me cruel by Ascilto, who is a sh*t.

l must find you, no matter what,

or l'm not a man.

l shall find you! l shall!

Ascilto!

Ascilto!

Ascilto!

Encolpio is after my hide.

Oh, he is vindictive.

l made away with his little friend

and he doesn't like it,

though he deserves all he gets -

the assassin, the night prowler!

Like a bird of prey, he strikes.

Encolpio, the thief,

grabbing at all that glitters.

While he slept, l dragged Gitone

from under him and slid into him myself.

Such is friendship - very accommodating.

Sweet and sullen.

At first, the boy would not

have me pick his flower.

Maybe he was sleepy.

But l drew my other sword

and showed it, saying:

''See, Lucrezia, here comes

your trusted Tarquin!''

A famous actor has him now,

offered and sold to him.

l sold all for a handful of coin,

which is why l shall never be loved.

Wandering later in the city,

a good family man found me.

Brought me to the baths,

shyly held me by the hand -

there in that niche -

and ''Come'' insisted. So l came!

And here comes Encolpio, livid,

come to search me out and put his case.

l shall have to fight, or run.

Me? ls it me you look for, Encolpio?

Come here!

- (laughs)

- Where is Gitone?

(laughter)

Where's Gitone?

You're a perfect a**hole.

Sold, love, sold.

l sold him to Vernacchio, the actor.

l'm sorry, love.

(screams)

(laughter)

Ah!

Ah... (laughs)

(farts rhythmically)

(farts)

Plaudite, plaudite, plaudite.

(woman chuckles)

(dog barking)

(actors speak Vulgar Latin)

(man sobs)

(cries out)

And thus is punished

my right arm which has failed me.

(cackles)

(crows like a cockerel)

- (thud)

- Aaagh!

(applause)

(Vulgar Latin)

(man) Bene actum.

(speaks Vulgar Latin)

- Hail the Caesar!

- Hail the Caesar!

Hail the Caesar! Hail the Caesar!

(speaks Vulgar Latin)

How fortunate are we,

each day to see new miracles

from our divine Caesar.

Demonstration!

Caesar, the master of all!

Eros, with his quiver of lust,

descend to earth!

Vernacchio, you will hold your peace.

That boy belongs to me.

Here is a patron, an important personage!

That young man is mine.

You do well to give him back at once.

So, a senator. So, a nobleman.

Step up, Your Grace.

Vernacchio's house is at your command.

Coraggio/

Right! First, l want to present my family.

And my slaves.

- And the dog! (laughs)

- (barks)

Gitone, get down at once!

Oh, my Lord. He's slender, plump,

and he only cost me 30 denarii!

A suckling pig so plump

would cost more today.

See here, Vernacchio.

Such a fine actor, famous.

Having seen you perform,

l know how famous you are.

But l repeat, the pretty rascal's mine.

That crazy bastard cheated you. He had

no authority in selling what is mine.

The law will not uphold it.

Ascilto cheated you and me.

Gitone will come with me!

- You....

- l will have the rascal... for 40 sesterces.

He's so pretty... 45.

Perhaps 60 will be enough for him, eh?

No.

Signori, a grave question l pose.

l ask you, citizens, who will sell his wife?

He is my wife.

He keeps my bedclothes warm.

He is adept in the great art of theatrics.

He will make you a perfect woman.

Helen with Menelaus,

lovely Penelope and Cornelia.

- Such treasure is priceless.

- Vernacchio...

(jabbers)

l'll return the sum you paid.

That's perfectly fair.

Gitone then comes with me.

No. Never!

Vernacchio! You go too far.

You are become intolerable.

You have been punished once for joking

about Caesar. Perhaps you want more.

Shall l take away your theatre?

The young man is to have his little slave

or you shall have your theatre

burned about your ears.

- No, may l say that Vernacchio...

- Too far, Vernacchio.

You trespass upon our patience.

Please! For pity, do not destroy

my theatre, l beg you.

Vernacchio submits. Vernacchio's

obedient. Caesar knows that.

(chanting)

Look who's there.

Calpurnia! Do you know where we live?

You live here.

You know you live here, sweetheart.

There. That's him.

Come on. Very lovely little girlies.

Very, very, very, very....

Come closer. Come here.

Your choice of day is propitious.

You want to know if your wife is fertile?

This colour is brown-red,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes