Comic Book Villains

You know comics?

You know comics?

Oh, please.

I'm listening. I'm all ears.

Please, please, tell me!

It's not just comics.

It's about cash.

We could have split it.

We could have split it? No!

It's all mine!

Why? Why? Why would

I split it with you?

Because we were

in this together.

No! I'm in this alone!

My whole life!

Every waking, sleeping,

dreaming moment of my life,

I spent for comics.

What do you

live for, my friend?

You know comics?

You know sh*t!

You know comics?

You know sh*t!

Is that what it would

have taken to share?

I know comics, too.

I--I grew up with them.

Oh, yeah, you know comics.

You're the oracle

of delphi of comics.

Yes, um, uh...

First appearance

of superman?

Uh,

action comics

#1.

Everyone knows that.

Batman?

Detective comics

Spider-man?

Spider-man

#1.

Uh-uh!

Oh, wait, wait. Uh...

Amazing fantasy

Amazing fantasy

Golden age flash?

Golden age flash...

Uh,

flash comics

#1.

Silver age flash?

Showcase 4.

Human torch?

Uh,

fantastic four

#1.

No! I'm taking about

the 1940's torch!

Oh, uh...

Marvel mystery

#1.

Wonder woman?

Wonder woman...

Come on!

Wonder woman...

Wonder woman--

sensation

Wrong!

No, no, wait.

I'm right.

It's definitely

sensation

I'm right.

It's definitely

sensation

No!

No!

It's not

wonder woman #1,

if that's--

what are you trying to do?

What are you trying to do?

Insult me?

Are you patronizing me,

or are you just trying

to get yourself killed?

Because if

you're doing that,

you're doing

a very... good... job.

Our town?

Um... it was normal.

Walk down main street

on a busy Saturday,

and you knew

almost everyone.

Yep, a normal place.

Normal stores

and normal people.

And if it was

a little boring,

no one seemed

to notice but me.

The thing is, looking back,

I see it wasn't just normal.

It was real, too--

the real world,

where parents paid bills

and kids worried

about football tryouts,

and kids worried

about football tryouts,

where folks argued

whether the president

was a Saint or a sinner.

Yep. Real.

A little piece

of the world

that my friends and me

didn't belong to.

See, we had

a world of our own.

Why argue about

the president

when you could argue

for the fate of earth

with galactus,

devourer of worlds?

Why try out for football

when you could try out

for the X-Men?

Nah, we didn't

do any of that.

Nah, we didn't

do any of that.

But read enough comics,

and it sure made

you feel like you did.

Pathetic? Yeah, maybe.

But all you out there

with your daytime soaps,

as far as I'm concerned,

you're in glass houses

throwing stones.

That's me.

The name's Archie lake.

I have to say

that I'm a bit different

from a lot of guys here.

Not by choice,

my parents dying and all.

I was alone.

I had a single room

in a guesthouse.

Me, a bed, and more comic

boxes than I could count.

Me, a bed, and more comic

boxes than I could count.

Most of these guys

live at home.

Why? No rent.

And guess what that

extra dough gets spent on.

And not just

new books every month,

back issues, too,

some costing

some serious dough.

Which is

how and why things turned

a little crazy last year.

Ah, and this

is Raymond macgillicuddy,

owner of this

heaven on earth.

Getting in with Raymond

so he thought you were

worth talking to...

Now that was

something to strive for.

Now that was

something to strive for.

When he thought

you were worth the effort,

boy, those talks...

Stimulating.

About things

that really matter.

If you want to f***

a superheroine,

the golden age canary

wins hands-down over

the modern version

because of the fishnets.

How about the valkyrie

from the

airboy

comic?

Normally,

I'd agree with you, uh,

except for

the fact that she was

in suspended animation.

She started screwing

the airboy in the 1940s,

then she comes out

of cold storage

and starts

screwing the new airboy

in the present?

So?

So?

Well,

the new airboy

in the present

is the son

of the original.

That means the valkyrie

was doing

the father and the son.

That is f***ed up.

Ah, ah, gentlemen,

she was lost.

She was lonely.

She was looking

for love, ok?

Which of us,

under those conditions,

wouldn't do the same?

Yes.

And this is conan.

He calls himself that

'cause he says

he calls himself that

'cause he says

Robert e. Howard,

the guy who created

conan the barbarian,

was his great uncle,

which I know is a crock.

He's my Dr. doom,

my archfoe.

Why?

He has more money than me,

and he snags

the comics I can't.

Plus, he's in

with Raymond, too.

In fact, it was him

that started all

the craziness.

Though I admit it seemed

innocent at the time

when he opened his mouth,

sweet as pie, and said...

Raymond,

do you know a guy

named David cresswell?

Do you know a guy

named David cresswell?

David cresswell...

No, no. Should--should I?

The new books come in?

Hellboy

by mignola.

Madman

by allred.

The others,

they're the same old crap.

Is that it, arch?

Yeah, unless

my poster came in.

Nope.

Well, what about my

Alex Ross signed hardcover?

Nope, again.

You're not having

much luck today.

Ring me up.

Ring me up.

What's going on?

You seem kind of down.

You all right?

I'm fine.

You know, I just really

don't want to talk about it.

Why not?

You're

among friends.

Um, do you remember

my cousin Sam?

I brought him in once

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